Ally Leadership: Lessons in Curiosity, Clarity and Candor
When I first met Stephanie Chung over Zoom, I knew instantly: she’s my tribe.
Stephanie is a speaker, a C-suite executive, a thought leader, and author of Ally Leadership: How to Lead People Who Are Not Like You. She’s led through transition, built high-performing teams, and navigated the complexity of change with incredible clarity.
Our recent conversation gave me one of the best calls I’ve had all day — and some of the best leadership wisdom I’ve heard in a long time. I knew she had to come on the Radical Candor® Podcast — you can watch the episode below.
Start with Expectations, Lead with Clarity
Stephanie, Amy Sandler and I talked about what it takes to lead in turbulent times, and one thing that really struck me was how she builds trust from the start.
“The very first thing that I always do, no matter what team I’ve taken over, is I have a meeting just with my team,” she said. “The reason why that is super important to me is it gives me an opportunity to do a couple things. One, to actually share a little bit about myself, how it is that I lead. But then the other piece that’s equally as important is… I will always say to them why it is that I’m there.”
I love how she sets expectations with care and clarity. “On this team what’s important to me is that we are each other’s keeper,” she tells them. “We have to have each other’s back… We’re all going to either win together or we’re gonna all lose together, but it’s our choice.”
When I heard that, I immediately thought about the times I hadn’t been that clear. I remember when I was a first-time CEO, and my co-founder said to me, “Kim, you’re awfully fast to flip the bozo bit.” It hit me hard. That wasn’t how I thought of myself, but it was true. I had become the leader who makes their mind up about people so quickly and doesn’t change when there’s new evidence. I realized I wasn’t soliciting enough feedback.
The Power of Vulnerability and Asking for Feedback
So now, one of the first things I do to build trust is ask for feedback. I’ll say, “What can I do or stop doing that would help you work better with me?”
Stephanie does something similar, and her version is one I’ve started to adopt myself. She tells her team: “There is going to be something I do or say that will probably offend you somewhere along the line. Just know that’s not my intention… When I do it — not if — I would ask that you right then and there, stop me and correct me.”
That’s Radical Candor in action. And it’s such a powerful ask. I told her, “Your question that you ask is a great way to just… encourage the people around you to disrupt your bias. And then you’re gonna learn to think differently.”
Being an Upstander, Even When It’s Hard
Stephanie also reminded me how much courage it takes to speak up — especially when no one else does. She described a meeting where a disagreement unfolded between her and her boss. “The rest of the team sat there and said nothing,” she said. “Then when we had a break, they’re all like, ‘Oh my god, Steph. I agree with you.’ … And I remember saying to them, shut up. Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.”
That story stuck with me, because I’ve been there. I remember once when a team member told me, “You are the most aggressive woman I ever met.” And in my head, I thought, “Your problem is not my aggression. Your problem is my gender.”
But what I actually said was nothing. I was trying to be open to feedback. But by not saying anything, I wasn’t being a good ally to the women on my team. It wasn’t good. TLDR: we wound up getting sued because I had created a hostile work environment for women — not my intention, but it happened.
Stephanie’s story reminded me that silence in those moments is not neutral. It’s harmful. “This is the season that we as leaders have to be super courageous,” she said. “You’re a leader. You’re built for this.”
Curiosity Matters More Than Certainty
We also talked about how hard it is to lead teams where nobody looks like you or thinks like you. I’ve been in that position more times than I can count. “Back in the day, men weren’t used to having women as bosses,” Stephanie said. And still today, underrepresented leaders face unique challenges. That’s why her book, Ally Leadership, resonated so deeply with me.
She describes a leadership model built around the acronym ALLY: ask, listen, learn, and then take action. “What we don’t talk about is how do you lead teams that don’t think alike, act alike, look alike…?” she asked. “I’m less concerned about an empathetic leader… I’m more focused on a curious leader.”
That really landed. It’s something we talk about often in Radical Candor: the importance of curiosity over certainty. “The brain is constantly evolving,” she told me. “Back in the day it may have been afraid of a saber tooth tiger… now that same brain may be afraid of rejection or saying the wrong thing.”
But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Stephanie’s advice is simple and powerful: “Go and spend time with people who are not like you.” That’s how we build trust. That’s how we build teams that challenge each other — and us.
“None of us gets everyone,” she said. “But if you have that type of competence as a leader and you can lead that type of team, you are unstoppable.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Lead with Candor. Speak with Clarity. Stay Curious.
If you’ve ever hesitated to give feedback because you were worried about hurting someone’s feelings — or if you’ve given feedback only to see it backfire — you’re in good company. We’ve all been there. That’s why we’ve put together the Radical Candor public workshop. It’s a practical, hands-on session where you’ll learn to give feedback that’s both kind and clear, and receive it in a way that fosters your growth.
You’ll have the chance to practice the essential skills of Caring Personally while Challenging Directly in a supportive environment with others who are eager to become better leaders and teammates. Whether you’re new to Radical Candor, part of a team already embracing it, or considering how to implement it in your organization, this workshop is designed to help you move beyond fear and into meaningful connections.
Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I’ll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect, available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor® and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.
