When it comes to Radical Candor, caring personally and challenge directly are the foundation of building strong workplace relationships. But let’s be honest: we don’t always like everyone we work with. This can make practicing Radical Candor difficult.
I’ve faced this challenge myself, and I want to share some strategies I’ve used to ensure respect and care, even when personal connections are strained.
The first step is understanding that you don’t have to like someone to care personally about them. Your job as a manager/boss/leader is to guide a team to achieve results. Caring personally doesn’t mean you have to be best friends. It means having unconditional regard for another person’s humanity.
There will be people who work for you — or with you — who, frankly, bug the living sh*t out of you. I get it. But it’s important to rise above that and treat them with respect. Respect is the baseline.
I think about the Radical Candor framework’s “care personally” dimension as a spectrum. At its core is respect: the recognition that every person is a human being with feelings and a story. Even if someone irritates me, I remind myself not to let my frustration slip into disregard for their humanity.
From Stories to Understanding
A big danger is the stories we make up about people. When I notice myself telling a short story in my head — whether it’s “this person is inconsiderate” or “this person is the villain in this situation” — I stop and remind myself that I don’t want to write a novel about someone I barely know. Instead, I need to focus on getting to know the real person.
I’ll give you an example. I had an employee who didn’t use deodorant, and I found myself dreading one-on-ones because of how bad he smelled. Over time, I started making assumptions about him, imagining that he was inconsiderate or lazy.
Eventually, I decided I needed to have a direct but caring conversation with him. It was uncomfortable, but I explained the issue. To my relief, he started using deodorant, and our working relationship improved dramatically.
Similarly, when I was working with a boss who found my disorganization stressful, she made a comment during a shared work trip that could have come across as rude: “This must be how you feel all the time,” she remarked after having her own experience of being disorganized.
Instead of taking offense, I recognized it as a genuine, human moment. She was trying to understand me, and her curiosity allowed us to have a deeper conversation that improved our relationship.
Optimizing for Connection
Sometimes, disagreements or frustrations arise because we’re optimizing for different things. For instance, I had a roommate who valued beauty and artistry, while I was focused on efficiency.
Her approach to cooking beautiful meals drove me crazy until I realized we simply had different priorities. When I took the time to appreciate what she valued, we found a way to coexist peacefully.
In the workplace, this dynamic plays out in different ways. One person might prioritize logic and meticulous planning, while another prioritizes speed and action. When you understand what someone else is optimizing for, it’s easier to respect their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
The Power of Curiosity and Vulnerability
Some of the best Radical Candor I ever received was from a complete stranger, so it is possible to embody caring personally for someone you don’t like or don’t even know.
When you’re struggling to care personally about someone, curiosity is your best tool. Ask yourself why you feel disconnected. Are you projecting your own biases or writing a story about them? Push yourself to see their strengths and ask questions to understand their perspective.
I also believe in being vulnerable. When I’ve struggled to work with someone, I’ve found it helpful to say, “I’ve been frustrated with our relationship, and I’d like to understand how we can work better together. What can I do differently?” This simple step opens the door for honest dialogue and, often, mutual respect.
Caring personally is about showing regard for someone’s humanity, even when the connection doesn’t come easily. By staying curious, challenging your assumptions, and having candid conversations, you can build better relationships — even with the people who drive you crazy. Remember, relationships don’t become toxic because of disagreements; they become toxic because of neglect. So don’t neglect the hard work of caring personally. It’s worth it.
Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I’ll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect, available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor® and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.
