The Devil is in the DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
I was thrilled to get my first “real” job after college. I had studied arms control in college, and now that the Berlin Wall had fallen, I was interested in the peace dividend. These were pretty wonky interests, though, so when I got a job with the Soviet Companies Fund investing U.S. pension fund money in Soviet defense factories converting to civilian production, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Shortly after I took this job, a friend of mine in a similar job told me she was being paid four times more than I was. My friend explained her salary was the market rate, what the guys got paid. I was being dramatically underpaid. My first experience of wage discrimination.
When I told my boss, Harry, what I’d learned about the market rate for my salary, he denied it, saying, “You’re getting paid fairly.” When I shared what my friend’s salary was, he went on the attack: “She must be sleeping with her boss!” I could tell he didn’t really believe what he’d said, and I said so. He was just trying to shut me up — a form of bullying.
And when I pressed the matter, Harry acted as though he were the victim and I was putting him in an unreasonably difficult position with Robert, the CEO. My first experience with another form of bullying, what Jennifer Freyd calls DARVO,(Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
- Deny: The perpetrator denies the wrongdoing, claiming it never happened or that they are not responsible.
- Attack: They attack the victim’s credibility, character, or motives, often accusing them of lying, being overly sensitive, or having ulterior motives.
- Reverse Victim and Offender: The perpetrator portrays themselves as the victim of the situation, claiming they are being unfairly accused or mistreated by the actual victim.
This tactic can be incredibly effective because it creates confusion, self-doubt, and guilt in the victim, making them question their own perceptions and hesitate to speak out. It also shifts the focus away from the perpetrator’s actions and onto the victim’s supposed flaws or shortcomings, making it difficult for others to see the situation clearly and hold the perpetrator accountable.
Biased Compliment Syndrome
A legend in our business, Robert was known equally for his success as a contrarian investor and his explosive personality. Harry certainly didn’t think I’d talk to Robert myself. He was wrong about that.
I realized that I could not rely on my boss to speak for me. I was going to have to advocate for myself. At the first opportunity, I asked Robert for a meeting and soon found myself facing him in a conference room. He was seated comfortably in an armchair. Something about his big belly and unruly white hair gave him a benevolent appearance, like Santa Claus. He motioned toward a small wooden chair opposite him.
At first, he was genial, if patronizing. “You know that our Russian partners call you my secret weapon.” He laughed uproariously, and I tried to laugh along, not quite sure what was so funny. It seemed like he was insulting me. “You are a real pistol!” My first experience with biased compliment syndrome. Only I didn’t know what that was, so I was knocked off-kilter by it. How was I supposed to respond?
Deny and Attack
Weird as this situation was, I wasn’t going to let the way Robert talked to me deter me from talking about what I’d come to talk about.
When I raised the issue of my salary, the shift was immediate: Santa Claus was gone. Now he resembled a bird of prey swooping in for the kill.
His piercing glare and furrowed gray eyebrows made it clear that he wasn’t used to being challenged, especially not by the likes of me. He stared at me unblinkingly for what seemed like several minutes.
“I don’t know what makes you think you’re underpaid, but I can assure you it wouldn’t be fair to the others if we paid you more,” he said with a note of finality, and put his hands on the arms of the chair as if he were about to get up.
There it was, DARVO, again: denying and going on the attack. Only I didn’t know what DARVO was, so I was left feeling unsure of myself. But I had come prepared with data about my peers and average salaries in the industry, and I forced myself to put my evidence forward.
Revere Victim and Offender
My data just pissed him off. Robert was really angry, almost unhinged. He was pale, literally trembling with rage. “If I paid you that much, you’d make more than my daughter makes. I know you don’t want to come between me and my daughter.”
This non sequitur was so egregious that I didn’t even bother pointing out that his daughter was a teacher and that the solution to not paying teachers enough wasn’t to lower the salaries of women (but not men) in finance. I didn’t dare say anything because the intensity of Robert’s self-righteousness was frightening. He was angry and sad that his daughter was underpaid and implied I was trying to come between him and his daughter by asking to be paid fairly myself. The conversation ended abruptly.
I couldn’t believe he was that irrational, so I questioned myself. What had I done wrong? What had I failed to understand? Unfortunately, DARVO works, unless you know how to confront it — which I did not. Instead, I tried not to think about the issue of pay discrimination anymore.
Shamed Into Silence
When I finally left after enduring a laundry list of abusive behavior (read more about this in chapter 11 of Radical Respect), Robert called me disloyal. What I wanted to say was:
“What in the hell did you give me to be loyal to? You treated human trafficking as though it’s a joke, you underpaid me, you yelled at me when I asked for a raise, and you created an environment in which it was safe for your executives to grab my boob and grind their dicks into me on the elevator but not safe for me to report it!”
I didn’t say any of that — in part because it was so deeply ingrained in me not to use those sorts of words, especially not at work. I could imagine all too well the kind of self-righteous shaming I’d get from Robert if I accurately described what had happened. The people who harmed me would not be held accountable.
Anticipation of that kind of shaming silenced me about the real issues. I simply said, “Robert, they are paying me twice what you paid me.”
“So it’s all about the money for you, is it?” Robert replied as though he thought he could bully me into not quitting. As if his own career in finance hadn’t been motivated by the desire to make money. As if I were some sort of gold digger expecting to earn a market salary.
If I could go back in time and talk to my younger self to write this shit down! Keeping a journal will help dispel some of the gaslighting. Better late than never — you can read my letter to my younger self starting on page 312 of Radical Respect.
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Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I’ll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect, available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor® and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.
