Some people operate on the theory that they didn’t mean any harm and people should just quit being so sensitive. But instead of asking others to “assume good intent,” consider focusing on your impact instead of your intention.
Code-of-conduct consultant Annalee Flower Horne suggests thinking about it this way: If someone told you that you were stepping on their toe, would you continue to step on it while you told them to “stop being so sensitive” and delivered a lecture about how you didn’t mean to step on it? Of course not! You’d get off their damn toe and then apologize.
If you tell a joke that harms someone, then it was a bad joke, and you’re better off apologizing for it than trying to use humor to cover up what you did wrong. Good humor reveals hidden attitudes and behaviors in a way that creates change. Bad humor reinforces harmful attitudes and behaviors.
Remember, communication is measured at the listener’s ear, not at the speaker’s mouth. It’s not what you say, it’s how the other person hears it.
Maybe something you said upset someone, but you don’t quite understand why. You didn’t mean any harm. You simply used a word you’ve used your whole life, a word that has always been in common refusing to understand why what you said causes harm, you are demanding that the other person conform to your expectations of “normal.”
Furthermore, telling other people how they “should” feel is an exercise in futility. People feel how they feel, and the best you can do is to try to understand why.
Telling people to “assume good intent” often ignores the cumulative pain and anger that builds up in people when they experience bias many times a day, every day of their lives, and when they feel, or are, powerless to respond to it.
This is a moment to step back and realize that while you are involved in this problem, it goes well beyond you — you are one tiny piece of this person’s justified anger. Try to be one tiny part of making it better by changing your behavior.
Rather than focusing on your intention, take a moment to look for the actual harm your attitude or behavior may have done. If someone is upset, try to understand why rather than reject the person’s emotions. This sometimes turns out to be an exercise in enlightened self-interest.
You may find that you have harmed yourself more than you’ve harmed the person. When you make a biased assumption that the man in a meeting is the decision-maker when in fact it’s the woman sitting next to him, you may have annoyed her a little. But you’ve just killed your chances of landing the deal. So you’re the person causing harm, and the person you’ve harmed the most is not she, it’s you.
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Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I’ll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect, available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor® and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.
