The ‘Wild Courage’ We All Need to Dig Deeper
This week I am turning over my newsletter to Jenny Wood whose book, WILD COURAGE: Go After What You Want and Get It, hit shelves and digital libraries March 25th. Get your copy now, and tune into the Radical Candor podcast next Wednesday to hear Jenny talk all about it. Until then, here’s a sneak peek. Pre-order the book and you’ll get a free PDF + Masterclass with Jenny.
Nosy: Get insatiably curious
By Jenny Wood
(adj): of prying or inquisitive disposition or quality
Redefined: The courage to dig deeper.
Curiosity may be dangerous for cats, but it saved my grandmother’s life.
Hungary, 1944. Violet — Bubby to me — and 30 other desperate, terrified Jews hid in a cramped apartment while Hungarian soldiers of the ruling Arrow Cross Party swept the streets of Budapest, rounding up candidates for Auschwitz. Tens of thousands of Hungarian Jews had already been sent to the notorious concentration camp, most of whom became part of the 6 million Jews and 11 million human beings in total murdered by the Nazis during the Holocaust.
When supplies in the hideout ran dangerously low, Violet boldly ventured out for a bucket of water for her fellow Jews. Unfortunately, a group of Arrow Cross soldiers caught her, along with several others, and marched the captives several blocks at gunpoint.
Backs against a wall, the Jews waited to discover their fate: a one-way trip to Auschwitz — or summary execution. The latter seemed more likely; they had already passed several bodies during their short march. Bubby wasn’t resigned to this fate, however. My grandmother had always been self-assured and curious and saw no reason to restrain her nosiness now. Turning to face the young soldier pointing his rifle at her, she noticed how tightly he gripped the stock. She summoned the courage to dig deeper.
“Excuse me, sir,” she said. “What would happen if I stepped out of line?”
The soldier laughed before answering with a Hungarian idiom: “A kisasszony tényleg ilyen hülye, vagy csak tetteti?” In English, “Is the young lady really this stupid, or is she only pretending to be?”
Telling this story in her Florida apartment more than half a century later, at ease in her beloved beige recliner, my Bubby clarified that she never intended to disrespect the soldier. She was curious, not just for what he might say but also to judge his mood from his tone and facial expression.
“If he’d cocked the gun and shouted ‘I’ll shoot you!’ that would have meant one thing,” she explained. “But there was a lightness to this young soldier’s answer. It gave me a flicker of hope. Staying meant certain death, one way or the other. The way he answered my question left an alternative open.”
With a smile and a shrug, Violet left the line without a look back. Heart pounding, she walked down the swastika-lined Budapest street. A moment passed, the heels of her sensible taupe leather shoes clicking on the cobblestones. She tried to breathe evenly. Displaying even a hint of panic would be disastrous. Still, nothing happened. She walked a little faster, yet there was no shout, no sound of heavy military boots thudding into the ground behind her. (All her life, the sound of hiking boots gave Bubby a jolt — she said they make a similar sound.) Eventually, Violet made it all the way back to her refuge, where she waited out the remainder of the war and survived the Holocaust. Most of our family did not.
Am I suggesting that any of the 11 million murdered people had the power to save themselves as Bubby did? Absolutely not. But l’dor v’dor — one generation teaching the next — is an important concept in Judaism. Bubby shared this lesson with me for a reason. Her curiosity saved her life and made my dad’s life — and mine — possible. Yes, asking the soldier a question represented a risk, but a relatively small one. The Jews on that street were doomed. Charging at him wouldn’t have gotten my slim, 24-year-old grandmother out of that scrape. Nor would threats, bargaining, or promises. Being Nosy disarmed the soldier in a way no other tactic could, opening the door to survival. Lucky for me, Violet dared to ask a question.
What questions do you hesitate to ask? Why?
In defense of sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong
If I had to point to one skill that’s gotten me where I am today, it’s curiosity. And curiosity is a skill. It’s genuinely hard for many of us, but anyone can work to cultivate it. Lucky for me, curiosity has always come naturally. I’m a busybody, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Whenever we check in to a hotel, my husband Jon steps back from the front desk and gestures at me with an air of resignation: “Go on, Jenny, ask your questions.”
Curiosity is an attitude, but it’s also a super-practical business and life asset in the right here, right now sense. Want to meet someone special? Tell everyone in your network that you’re single. Get on all the apps. Go on lots (and lots) of dates with an attitude of flexibility, openness, and curiosity: attention and intention without a rush to judgment. Be Nosy, and you’ll find your match. It’s not magic but simple probability. Maximize those odds by getting curious instead of cynical. As my mom always said, turn worry into wonder. The same logic applies to job opportunities. And investments. And finding that one-in-a-million real estate agent, auto mechanic, or coach. Curiosity opens the faucet of serendipity.
We’re born curious. Children under 5 ask up to 180 questions a day! However, we’re urged to suppress that curiosity as we grow: “Get your nose out of other people’s business!” While I don’t have a good research-backed figure for adults, I recently observed an hour-long meeting with nine attendees. Six questions total — quite a drop from that childhood figure. is Being Nosy is about reawakening your natural curiosity about everyone and everything. It’s powerful stuff, drowning out fear and pulling you toward whatever most aligns with your strengths and values.
Being Nosy also draws other people in. Politeness, in the conventional sense, usually means invisibility. (Speaking of which, any cultural emphasis on who should be polite and under what circumstances tells you who’s expected to be invisible in that culture.) Getting what you want requires being seen…at the risk of being seen as a little rude. To be noticed, get Nosy.
We’re all natural journalists. Cultivating curiosity can be as simple as reaching out to people in other departments and asking them about their problems. The answers you hear might clue you into opportunities for valuable cross-departmental collaborations. If not, you might at least make some new connections at the organization, always a good thing.
Great leaders? They ask tons of questions. Conversely, people who ask questions exhibit leadership potential from the bottom rung up. Questions show engagement. They tell the other person that you value their opinion and like to make informed decisions. Put this kid in charge!
Beyond, you know, answers — which can be pretty useful in life — curiosity offers intrinsic benefits. Researchers at UC Davis used MRIs to study the effect of curiosity on the brain. They found that putting the brain in a curious state (by asking participants trivia questions for the purpose of the experiment) substantially enhanced learning and memory, even for facts unrelated to the trivia. In other words, getting curious about one thing helps you soak up everything more effectively. When we’re curious, we’re open, calm, and receptive. An ideal state of mind for learning and growth.
Bubby’s boundless curiosity wasn’t all that unusual in her family or among her people. Historically, Jews were locked out of most jobs. Also, they found themselves fleeing town in a hurry based on the local ruler’s changing whims. To survive over the millennia, they turned to study: of religious texts like the Torah but also portable skills like metalsmithing, tailoring, and the crafting of jewelry. This is one reason education plays such an enormous role in Jewish culture. We hold curiosity in the highest regard because knowledge can save us even when everything we own gets taken away.
My husband and I started saving for our future kids’ college educations on our wedding day. A good education is nothing more than structured nosiness: reading books and asking professors questions because you’re too curious to do otherwise. Also, it involves debating meaning and interpretation — the Jews love to debate, whether in a classroom or at the Passover table. The old saying goes, if you ask two rabbis something, you get three opinions. This may be why the Jewish people, who represent 0.2 percent of the world’s population, account for over 20% of Nobel Prize winners. Nothing can explain that but cultural curiosity. Want 100x results like this? There’s no need to convert. Just get Nosy.
Ask the CEO how they got where they are. Ask your co-worker what they like most about their job. Ask your new manager about opportunities to shadow someone more experienced. Questions are so powerful. After peppering him with questions about his business model and clients, I asked a potential strategic partner whether our consulting services overlapped significantly. Asking this felt like a major overstep. He ran a large consultancy. Would he think I wanted to horn in on his business? My mouth got chalky. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. But I was curious, and to my surprise, he revealed the overlap amounted to 10% at most. Partnering with his company led to tens of thousands of dollars in referrals, all because I overstepped. Step up!
While you might feel uncomfortable or occasionally rub someone the wrong way, you’ll learn and grow like never before. The questions we burn to ask are essential clues in figuring out what we want before we even know we want it. Let curiosity be your compass.
Jenny Wood spent 18 years at Google, rising from an entry-level position to an executive role. Most recently, she ran a large operations team that helped drive billions of advertising revenue per year. Jenny also created one of Google’s largest career development programs, which was widely popular. She is now a speaker and author aiming to challenge conventional thinking about professional advancement. Wild Courage: Go After What You Want And Get It, empowers you to embrace the nine traits that make people uncomfortable — the very ones that help you get seen, get heard, and get ahead.
Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I’ll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect, available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor® and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.
