In our personal and professional lives, we inevitably find ourselves in situations where we have caused harm or offense, whether intentionally or not. In these moments, the ability to offer a sincere and thoughtful apology can be the difference between deepening relationships and fracturing them further.
On the latest Radical Candor Podcast episode, Jason Rosoff , Amy Sandler , and I dive deep into the nuances of apologies — exploring what constitutes a “false apology” and how to embrace a more mindful approach to making amends.
Pitfalls that Undermine the Sincerity of an Apology
- “I’m an a**hole” or “I was just kidding:” Dismissing harmful behavior as an immutable part of one’s personality or attempting to reframe it as a joke prevents true accountability.
- “This week has been so hard for me:” Making the apology about your own struggles and emotions steers focus away from addressing the harm caused.
- “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable” or “I’m sorry you feel that way:” These phrases implicitly invalidate the other person’s experience by framing the offense as a mere matter of perception.
These “false apologies” often follow the “narcissist’s prayer” — denying wrongdoing, minimizing its impact, redirecting blame, and centering one’s own feelings over those harmed.
The AAAAAC Method: A Thoughtful Approach to Apologizing
Drawing from the ancient wisdom of Maimonides, here is a powerful six-step framework for sincere apologies — the AAAAAC method:
- Be Aware of the impact of your actions.
- Acknowledge your mistake as publicly as possible, without re-traumatizing the harmed party.
- Accept the consequences of your transgression.
- Make Amends by going above and beyond to rectify the situation.
- Apologize only after the previous steps, allowing your actions to reinforce your words.
- Change for good, committing to addressing the root issues that led to the harm.
This approach recognizes that an apology is not a one-time event but part of an ongoing process of accountability, empathy, and personal growth.
As the powerful apology letter from a remorseful internet troll reminds us, every apology is an opportunity to recognize our shared humanity and rebuild bridges of understanding.
In a world that often rushes to insincere apologies or avoids them altogether, embracing the AAAAAC method can be a radical act of respect and personal growth. It is a powerful reminder that while we all stumble, it is how we choose to make amends that defines our integrity.
You can read more in my new book Radical Respect , available everywhere books are sold! And listen to the latest episode of the Radical Candor podcast to learn more about how to apologize and mean it.
