Why I Stopped Calling People Difficult — and What I Do Instead
Welcome to the 100th edition of this newsletter! If you want to get more info, tips, and advice from the Radical Candor and Radical Respect teams, subscribe to our email newsletter at RadicalCandor.com/News.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my career — and one of the most common has been jumping to conclusions about other people’s intentions. It’s so tempting, when someone does something frustrating, to label them. “She’s just difficult.” “He’s being an asshole.” But over the years, I’ve come to see how damaging that tendency is — not just to our relationships at work, but to our ability to solve problems.
There’s a name for this mental habit: the fundamental attribution error. It was coined by Lee Ross, a social psychologist at Stanford, and it refers to our tendency to attribute someone’s behavior to their personality rather than considering the situation they’re in — or our own role in what’s happening.
I wrote about it in Radical Candor, and I still think about it all the time. It’s a problem because one, it’s usually inaccurate, and two, it renders an otherwise solvable problem really hard to fix. After all, changing personality is slow and difficult. Changing behavior? That’s something we can actually work on.
When You Make It About the Person, You Miss the Point
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my career — and one of the most common has been jumping to conclusions about other people’s intentions. It’s so tempting, when someone does something frustrating, to label them. “She’s just difficult.” “He’s being an asshole.” But over the years, I’ve come to see how damaging that tendency is — not just to our relationships at work, but to our ability to solve problems.
There’s a name for this mental habit: the fundamental attribution error. It was coined by Lee Ross, a social psychologist at Stanford, and it refers to our tendency to attribute someone’s behavior to their personality rather than considering the situation they’re in — or our own role in what’s happening.
I wrote about it in Radical Candor, and I still think about it all the time. It’s a problem because one, it’s usually inaccurate, and two, it renders an otherwise solvable problem really hard to fix. After all, changing personality is slow and difficult. Changing behavior? That’s something we can actually work on.
When You Make It About the Person, You Miss the Point
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my career — and one of the most common has been jumping to conclusions about other people’s intentions. It’s so tempting, when someone does something frustrating, to label them. “She’s just difficult.” “He’s being an asshole.” But over the years, I’ve come to see how damaging that tendency is — not just to our relationships at work, but to our ability to solve problems.
There’s a name for this mental habit: the fundamental attribution error. It was coined by Lee Ross, a social psychologist at Stanford, and it refers to our tendency to attribute someone’s behavior to their personality rather than considering the situation they’re in — or our own role in what’s happening.
I wrote about it in Radical Candor, and I still think about it all the time. It’s a problem because one, it’s usually inaccurate, and two, it renders an otherwise solvable problem really hard to fix. After all, changing personality is slow and difficult. Changing behavior? That’s something we can actually work on.
When You Make It About the Person, You Miss the Point
If you’re convinced someone is “just a jerk,” then it’s always going to happen again. That’s the trap. There’s no room for feedback, humility, or even the idea that your own behavior might be playing a part.
That’s why I always tell people to solicit feedback before you give it. When you ask what you might be doing that contributes to a situation, you open the door to fixing it together, instead of assigning blame. We say it a lot at Radical Candor, but it bears repeating: no name-calling. The moment you find yourself thinking “you are…” — whether it’s “you’re wrong” or even “you’re brilliant” — you’re likely talking about a personality trait. That makes it harder for the other person to change, and harder for you to be helpful.
There was someone I worked with in New York who had a reputation for being a jerk. But I liked him. He was intense, sure, but he cared. A few years later, someone told me, “He’s one of the most supportive people at the company.”
I was blown away by the transformation. When I asked what changed, he told me someone had taught him to stop saying “you’re wrong” and start saying “I think that’s wrong.” That small shift — owning his perspective instead of declaring someone else’s flaw — had a huge impact on his relationships and his career.
That Time We Got an F in Business School
Sometimes the lessons stick best when they come from a mess. When I was in business school, our group project completely fell apart. Why? One person passed a note during a meeting that said, “Check out so-and-so picking his nose. I think he just nicked his brain.” The note got passed to the guy it was about — and he was furious. We couldn’t work together after that, and we failed the assignment.
If I could go back, I’d apply the model we now teach: CORE — Context, Observation, Result, and Expected Next Step. I’d say something like, “When you passed that note to Catherine (context), and Elliot saw it (observation), it made him angry and discouraged collaboration (result). I think you owe him an apology (expected next step).” I didn’t handle it that way at the time, but I wish I had.
That’s what I love about the CORE framework. It slows me down. It helps me remember that instead of saying, “You’re a negative Ned,” I can be specific: “In that meeting, you kept focusing on the problem, and it discouraged people.” It makes me better, especially when emotions run high.
Intermittent Fasting, or: Why I Bit My Husband’s Head Off
Feedback gets complicated when you’re not even aware of your own state of mind. A few years ago, I snapped at my husband at breakfast. Not because he said anything awful — but because I was hungry. I was trying intermittent fasting, and it turns out I do not do well when I’m hungry.
A few days later, I said, “I don’t think this fasting thing is working for me.” And he replied, “Oh, thank God. I knew I couldn’t talk to you about anything until after lunch.” He knew the context. My kids, on the other hand, just thought, “Mom’s a big you-know-what.”
That’s why understanding context — literally the first letter in CORE — is so essential. If you don’t know what’s going on with someone, it’s easy to assume the worst. That’s when judgment creeps in.
A Little Grace Goes a Long Way
One of the most powerful things Jason Rosoff, my Radical Candor co-founder, has said is that when we really know someone, it’s easier to assume good intent. We give them the benefit of the doubt. We imagine how their context might be affecting their behavior.
I think we need to extend that grace more widely. Most people aren’t out to get us. They’re not trying to be difficult. They’re going through something — just like we are.
So when I sit down to write or give feedback, I keep a sticky note on my computer: “Show, don’t tell.” Don’t say “She’s smart” — show what she did. Don’t say “He’s difficult” — describe the impact of his actions. That keeps me grounded in a growth mindset.
When Furious, Get Curious
The next time you find yourself upset, pause. Ask yourself: Am I reacting to a behavior — or to a story I’ve told myself about who this person is? If you’re furious, try to get curious. Ask a question. Find the context.
And if you’re giving feedback, try CORE. Be specific. Stay focused on the impact. Invite collaboration. I promise, it’s more productive — and more humane — than calling someone a name, even if you’re tempted.
After all, none of us are perfect. But if we can stop making it about who people are and start talking about what they do, then we’re not just solving problems. We’re helping each other grow. And that’s what Radical Candor is really all about.
☀️ Summer is the perfect time to level up your leadership.
Join us for one of our upcoming Radical Candor public workshops to learn how to give feedback that’s kind and clear, build stronger relationships at work, and lead with both courage and compassion.
Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I’ll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect, available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor® and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.
